there is a devil inside all of us. a tiny fire flickering in the corner of our hearts. it kindles itself on stray memories and the hopes and dreams we cast aside at the turning of our age. whispering from the deep.
negative emotions are at best a persnickety thing. they lurk at the edges of your soul, waiting for a chance to creep in and creep in they will. but it’s not all bad. or at least it doesn’t have to be if you don’t want it to be.
if you have ever watched babylon 5 there’s a terrific monologue where g’kar, having come to relative terms with his status as a prophet of sorts, gives a sermon about truth and the search for god. in it he describes how the presumed existence of a higher power is the result of our search for it. a simple enough philosophical concept boiled down for television consumption. applicable to other concepts, certainly.
the pain you experience as a result of a failed search for love and companionship. the paradoxical sadness and joy that comes from recalling memories of the departed. the fear of rejection and loneliness. are all of these feelings not given purchase as a result of our unending search for fulfillment? by seeking the warmth of others, we drag our souls through pain and suffering until there is little left but raw emotion.
at times, even medicated, i wake up breathless in the middle of the night. my mind has conjured another nightmare. of inflicting cruelty on myself and the ones i love in search of the dopamine rush of a greater happiness. if i drank more water i’m sure my tears could fill a river. if i breathed more air i’m sure i could scream.
the sun is shining and the air bites like a viper. there are butterflies forming a crown above your brow, and you reach out for them in the only way you know how. monarchs monarchs everywhere and no kingdom to rule. mine will be a lowly epoch full of fireside tales told to ghosts and specters of unrealized possibility.